Shades of Self

A Look at Who We Are

A rambling, philosophical look at how we exist as distinctly separate individuals in different situations.

Levels of Self

I was in an unusual debate at work the other day. I took a stance that was odd for me which led to some introspection. Why did I debate for a position that I wouldn't typically support? I felt that I was disingenuous or dishonest towards my co-workers, but is that true? Is it possible for me to maintain different perspectives on the same subject depending on the context of the debate? If so, can I do that without being self-serving or hypocritical?

I believe that it's not only possible to maintain these different levels of self without being unethical, but also that most people probably do it every day without even realizing it. I've identified five different levels of my self that I express based on where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with. In my head, I picture these as a pyramid where the topmost level is the most restricted, manicured, public version of ourselves and the bottom is the most personal, intimate version.

Professional Public

We start at the top of the pyramid with our most carefully crafted public identities. This is the persona that we show during an interview or formal meeting. I like to call it the Professional Public self. It's the level that we feel most comfortable with the world seeing. It's where we put the information that we want people to see and know about us: our professional accomplishments and things we're proud of.

We spend some of our days at work being someone who, though hopefully no less genuine than who we really are, is much less well rounded. As a developer, my primary concern is for the technological development of the company. I take on a role that is more one-sided, less compromising than I am as a person. I advocate best practices that I personally think are pedantic, but that I believe will make my workplace and team more efficient and less error-prone. This is where I was speaking from in that recent debate.

Professional Private

Directly below the top of the pyramid is the version of ourselves who interacts with co-workers and acquaintances. I like to call this the Professional Private level because it's still a curated version of ourselves, but it's only available to people we know and are comfortable with. Here we'll see a more well-rounded person than the Professional Public version. At work, this is the less exacting side of my personality. The developers I sit next to hear more about my thought process before I go into that formal meeting and advocate my ideas. There's more give and take and a certain level of experimentation that exists here. The Professional Public version is the cream rising to the top of my Professional Private life and work. My co-workers know the struggles and setbacks that we overcame together on the road to finishing that project. They know that the polished gem that ends up in my portfolio started out as a hunk of rough rock. It was only through work, including failures, that the polishing was done.

In my opinion, this level and the Personal Public level are the most closely related levels and share a lot of overlap. The key difference between this level and the Personal Public is the breadth of topics that are on display. At the Professional Public level, I'd generally keep the topics of conversation to work-related items and "safe" small talk like sports, the weather, restaurants etc.

Personal Public

At the Personal Public level, I'm more comfortable talking about more personal topics. I'll chat about my favorite hobbies, what I did over the weekend, and even broach more opinionated topics about my values as an individual. This level of self is who we are with most friends or longtime co-workers. There's still a level of curation but it's mostly dictated by social norms and polite company.

This might be the most genuine version of ourselves that the majority of people in our lives ever have the chance to know. The Personal Private level is reserved for only very close relationships whereas the Personal Public is something we distribute to anyone that we come to know and like. Still, we don't always share everything with our friends.

Personal Private

I like to picture the Personal Private level as the largest base level of the pyramid. It's where we hold our feelings and beliefs that shape our day to day lives. Certain privileged people are allowed to see this part of ourselves: spouses, close family, and best friends to name a few. This is where most of our conscious self exists. It propagates up through all the other levels informing and shaping those levels' abilities, actions, and desires. This is the absolute most intimate, genuine, and well-rounded version of ourselves that we ever share with other people. Depending on the intimacy of your closest relationships, this level can be thick or thin. Some of us wear our lives on our sleeves more than others. Some of us have a harder time sharing our feelings, hopes, and dreams with anyone besides the people we are absolutely closest with. Regardless of the depth of this level, the area is crucial for the rest of our personality. Only by broadening this level can we make changes that will allow our other levels to expand. If we don't, any changes made at other levels won't stick and will slide down the sides like pouring more sand on the top of a pile. Sometimes, expanding this level can be simple, other times it requires serious excavation and confronting rocky terrain that exists in the ground beneath.

Internal

As for that ground beneath, we have the deep dark Internal Self. It's something that is so basic that you might not even realize it's there. This level is totally reserved for ourselves and never sees the light of day. It includes but isn't limited to our subconscious self. It factors in things that we don't share with other people like private moments, thoughts, daydreams, and desires. It constantly shapes who we are in every other moment whether we know it or not.

This level takes serious work to understand or change. Preconceptions, prejudices, and firmly held beliefs are all intermingled in our worldview. Somewhere in this unknown terrain, there are bedrock truths that can be uncovered and built upon confidently. Other times, there are places that we believe are solid but end up being unreliable, shifting sands. It's more than a life's work to find a solid foundation for your identity and continually expand it through learning and dedication. Constant refinement, improvement, and maintenance are required or else the whole pyramid comes crashing down.